Catriona Fida

What’s your full name?

My full name is Catriona Begum Fida.

Where were you born/brought up?

I was born in Ealing Hospital, West London. Half of my childhood was spent in Greenford whilst the other half was spent in the suburbs just outside West London.

What do you do for a living?

I am a final year English student at Loughborough University with plans to do a Masters and eventually enter the publishing industry.

What’s your ethnicity?

I am proud to be half Pakistani, a quarter Irish and a quarter Scottish. My dad was born in Pakistan and moved to England with his family when he was very young, while my mum was born in England.

How did your mum and dad meet?

They worked together in a shoe shop when they were in their late teens and have been together ever since. They were living in West London during the 1980s, which was a period of political uncertainty, race riots and anti-immigration militant organisations. My parents faced their own struggles at the time, both from family members who were actively opposed to their relationship and friends who showed scepticism towards the future they could have together. Once, I remember my mum telling me, my parents had experienced racial bigotry from strangers stood outside a local pub. They had shouted abuse at my dad and even threatened them both with violence, believing it ‘wrong’ and ‘unnatural’ that my parents should be together.

How old were you when you became conscious that people saw you differently? What impact did that have on you?

When I was 11 years old my family took a trip to Florida during our summer holidays. I remember at the airport our family had been ‘randomly’ stopped and questioned for over an hour by border control staff. There was no real reason for why we had been stopped beyond that they did not like the look of us, probably because my dad was Pakistani, and his wife and children seemed ‘too white’ to be his real family. I remember my mum being furious that my brother, at aged 14, had had his fingerprints put onto the American system, a gesture that let us know our existence was being monitored. The officers took my mum, brother and I away from my dad to ask us why we wanted to enter the United States. It is no justification to argue they were just ‘doing their job.’ I was just a little girl who was excited to go to Disneyland; but to them we represented a difference they couldn’t understand, and we were targeted for it.

Describe your most memorable moments when you were made aware of being mixed race.

It is a massive part of university culture to go up to someone and ask them where they are from. It gets complicated when you are an ethnic minority/of mixed race because you have to consider where you live, where your parents were born, where they grew up, where your extended family lives…the list goes on. At university it is also the perfect opportunity to explore your roots and join a cultural society. I remember going to a Pakistani Society meet and greet at my university, in an attempt to learn more about my heritage, and left early after feeling so out of place. As a welcoming exercise, we were presented with a map of Pakistan and had to mark where we were from. In the end I left it blank because I felt like a fraud marking a place I’d only ever heard about from speaking to family. 

Another instance that comes to mind was when I was around 13 or 14 in secondary school and my dad had come with me to parents evening. Most of the other kids didn’t know I was mixed race because it wasn’t something I myself was even aware of until much later on. The next day I had someone ask me if I was adopted because my dad is much darker skinned than I am. I think it was at this point where I really begun to question who I was and where I was ‘from.’

Do you feel your parents prepared you for life as a mixed race person?

My parents are not just of a different race, but they have also grown up in different faiths too. While my dad was born into a Muslim family, my mum’s parents were Christian and, as a result, there were a few factors that made me feel I was ‘in-between’ places. I remember one time my mum and I had a conversation about religion and how they would allow my brother and I to choose our own faith. This really helped with shaping my belief that I can be and identify as whatever I choose.

What ignorant comments have you heard about being mixed-race that really rile you?

In general, a lot of people are unaware of how to properly address mixed-race people. I still find people use the term ‘half-caste’ without realising its true meaning of ‘half-pure’. I also get frustrated when people are offended by mixed race people identifying as ‘bi-racial’ rather than their respective ethnicities. While I am proud to be Pakistani and wholeheartedly claim to be South Asian, I realise that as a white passing mixed race woman I do not and cannot experience life in the same way a woman who is fully South Asian does. In the same way, there are aspects of being mixed race that someone of a single ethnic minority origin could not relate to.

What do you wish people who aren’t mixed-race understood?

That it is possible to be two things and that it isn’t necessary for those of dual heritage to ‘pick a side’ just to make them feel better.

Do you think mixed race people/families are well represented in the media?

Not at all, I think it just perpetuates a stereotype that mixed race families can only be black and white. Mixed race families come in all different varieties, yet we always see the same one. The fact that there is always a white parent in media portrayals of mixed families to me seems to demonstrate that the media is trying to address diversity, but in a way that still proves palatable for a white audience.

Back in the late 19th century/early 20th century being mixed race held a stigma, as it was clear proof of interracial relations which was seen as an affront to society’s morals. Do you think it’s easier nowadays to be mixed race or is it more that racism has become subtler?

I believe there is still discrimination and stigmas about mixed race relationships, but it has manifested through different avenues. For instance, nowadays racial ambiguity or being mixed race is fetishised, particularly through the media, and this is definitely something that makes it hard to be a mixed-race person. Particularly when dating or making friendships with people you have to question, are you interested in me or my mix?

Is being mixed race a burden or a blessing for you?

I think I would have answered this question a lot differently a couple years ago to how I would now. Before, I was seriously conflicted as to how I should categorise myself. Now though, I proudly claim to be bi-racial and use any opportunity to discuss and demyth any preconceived ideas people have about mixed race people. My situation is quite unusual because I am white passing, and no one has been able to guess my heritage upon just looking at me. In this sense I’m afforded a privilege that I think is important to take advantage of in spreading awareness about mixed race identity and related issues.

Have you felt a struggle with your identity? If so, how did you deal with it and if you are now at peace with who you are, how did you come to a place of self-acceptance?

I have received a lot of comments from people who have said things like, ‘you’re not mixed race, you’re white’ which I find to be a really isolating statement. Being mixed it can sometimes feel like you are not enough of anything to really belong anywhere and when people say it to you so often you start to believe it. Due to my fair skin I have always felt pushed to only claim my white side, but I am as Asian as I am white and don’t feel like I should have to compromise either. I claim both sides of my heritage equally and it isn’t up for anyone else to dictate where I should place myself. I am proud to be Pakistani and English and thankfully, as I got older, I managed to find a happy medium between the two.

What advice would you give yourself?

Get braces, it’ll be the best thing you ever do. 

Just kidding!

I’d probably tell myself to embrace my difference. When I was much younger, I struggled with my self-esteem and I do think this feeling of not belonging was a part of it. When I was 18, I actually contracted a skin condition called Vitiligo where I began to lose patches of pigment in my skin over time. When I was younger, I probably would have been much more self-conscious about this but now I absolutely love my patches because they make me different to everyone else. Due to Vitiligo being a condition that is thought to run in the Asian side of my family, it has also made me feel more connected to that part of my heritage. While I don’t have many features that mark me out as ‘Asian-looking’, my patches are definitely something that remind me of that fact.